157: [INTERVIEW] Harnessing Your Healing Journey to Connect With Others in a Joyful Way with Lex Banach

CONTENT WARNING:

Please keep in mind that during today’s episode, subjects such as childhood trauma, addiction, toxic familial relationships, and healing in therapy are discussed. If these subjects are sensitive to you, consider bypassing this week’s new episode. 

Raise your hand if you’ve ever felt like you are constantly going through *another* season of life that you just aren’t sure how to manage? I know I have and I know other women have too. Someone who I have loved to own their journey and season time and time again is Lex Banach, aka your twenty-something bestie. 

Lex came on the show today and shares her journey to healing in multiple sides of her life and shares how, by sharing this healing journey, she has connected with other people going through the same things she has. She shares her real and raw personal story and perspective on the power of healing and how, when you own that journey, you can truly start to live a joyful life. 

I LOVED this episode with Lex and I know so many of you will as well. 

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Transcript

Maddy: 0:01

Hey bestie and welcome to the living in sunshine podcast. I'm your host, Maddy Fry. And around here we are all about encouraging, inspiring, and giving you the tough love that you need to hear to get out there and live as your best self. Each and every Wednesday, you can expect to learn tangible tips to help you find your bigger purpose, be given simple action steps that you can take in order to make progress toward your biggest dreams, and hear how you can purposely pursue joy on the daily. So sit down, grab your favorite drink. And let's have a girl chat. This is the living in sunshine podcast. All right. Good morning, everyone. And welcome to the living in sunshine Podcast. I'm so excited that you are tuning in today because I have a very good friend here on the show with me today. Her name is Lex Banach, you can find her over on Instagram, I'll have her share her handle. But she is someone I've actually known I was doing the math Lex. We have been in each other sphere now for like five years, which is

Lex: 1:03

Yeah,

Maddy: 1:03

crazy. To me. I have I known her not like both in person, but also online. And I was like, wait a minute, I don't ever really, really long time. So I brought Lex on the show because she has openly shared multiple different seasons of life on Instagram. And I have watched her cultivate this incredible online community of women, and just does such a fabulous job of sharing her life and sharing it so authentically and real and connecting with other people on that. So I will have her share her story and share who she is and what she does and all the things. But Lex Welcome to the show. I'm so happy that you're here.

Lex: 1:43

Thank you. Thank you for having me. I'm so excited. I'm a little bit nervous. But I'm very excited to get to get to connect with your community because I've watched you cultivate this incredibly supportive community that just like loves on each other so much. And so I'm always I feel like I'm always watching you and trying to figure out what you're doing so well so I can implement that with my community too. So thank you for being a leader in this space because it is so fun.

Maddy: 2:07

Yes, community community is in my opinion, I have found like the key to everything. I think for a long time the message was go out on your own drop, like hustle, hustle, hustle, figure it all out like you can do anything. And it's like all those things are true but it's also way easier and way more enjoyable when you do it with other people. And I have found that when you link arms with other people you get further faster because you have more brains helping you get there so can you share who you are first where people can find you. So if they're you know going for a walk or whatever they want to look you up on Instagram and stalk you they can and what you do and kind of how you help women do do all the things.

Lex: 2:47

Absolutely. So my Instagram and also Tik Tok I, I do share a lot of like random stuff on Tik Tok if you like storytimes and that sort of stuff. Both both handles are abanach11. So it's a b a n AC h one one. Or you can search lex. You're single No, you're 20 Something bestie. Sorry. But yes, ABA N ach 11.

Maddy: 3:13

I love that.

Lex: 3:13

And then sorry, go ahead.

Maddy: 3:15

No, I was just gonna say can you share with us what you do and who you help?

Lex: 3:19

Yes. So I am a health and wellness coach online. And I partner with bodi. So all the workouts, nutrition I'm sure you've probably heard about at this point, especially because Maddy, but aside from that, I really my focus is to share my struggles and share how I'm getting through them in real time. So my goal, and this has kind of pivoted through different seasons of life. So I would say last year was very much helping single women, you know, work through a breakup and finding themselves and learning how to care and love for themselves probably for the first time like most of us. And now in this kind of new season where I'm a little bit over a year past a breakup and kind of entering this new stage. It's really about managing my boundaries and learning how to set those with family members and friends who maybe don't make me feel the best. And so I mean, you'll see a little bit about me healing from narcissistic family members. Yep, I'm sharing a little bit more about that and being no contact and then really, you'll kind of get like, my daily, whatever. I'm struggling with that day. So you'll get a few takeaways. Yeah, you'll hear me talk about Katherine, who's my therapist. And yeah, I guess my focus is to really help women in their 20s develop a community and be intentional about it so that they can have the support to work through their struggles together. Yeah. Yeah. So my, I guess I haven't really like I need to really niche down and narrow down what I'm saying. But yeah, my mission is to embrace your storm. My storm always hated it. So embracing the storms of your life and by doing that, sharing it vulnerably making connections be Because like you said that you can go so much further with community. And I think a lot of us were always told to kind of hold things in and yes, work through things on our own, you know, especially as young women, it's 100%. Don't, don't tattle, you know, go go figure it out on your own be a big girl. Yeah. Don't cry over this. And that's, I think, how we've ended up where we have, you know, we're struggling with emotional connection with a lot of older adults in our families, because they never had that support. And that's what they taught us. And our, our community is learning that there's power in sharing the struggles so that people don't feel alone. And then you can find better solutions together. Yeah, sorry. That's kind of long winded.

Maddy: 5:41

No, not at all. Oh, my gosh, there's so much in there that I'm like, I want to pick this apart. And this. I love that so much. So like, like we've mentioned, I've known Lex now for four or five years. And I've watched her walk through all of these different life seasons. And before we hopped on the show, I was trying to figure out a way to like, really put this in a way that made sense. But also like, did it make it seem like it was like a negative thing. And I think I put my finger on it. I love you. And I love who you are, because whether you recognize it or not. And I mean this in the biggest compliment, you share how to go against societal norms in such a positive way. Right. And without going too far in the past, you were in a long term relationship, you bought a house you moved in. And at that time, couple years ago, it was how to be in a relationship when marriage wasn't where you were headed, right. And that's what you talked about. And you grew this amazing community online, about, this is what I'm doing. It doesn't fall in line with what the general narrative is that women in my 20s in their 20s do, right? And that's okay, I'm gonna live my best life, you don't have to approve, you don't have to like it, but I'm doing it anyway. Because it makes me happy. And then after that, it was, I'm owning my story of being in my 20s. And having been in a long term relationship, and glowing the hell up after a breakup, I'm owning that. There's nothing wrong with that, that is not something to be ashamed of, as a woman to have gone through that, I'm dealing with a lot of things. And again, kind of this breaking of societal, that societal narrative of as a woman, if you are broken up with, you have to be broken forever and sad, and, you know, go into this hole and did it. You didn't I mean, from what I saw, you were like, No, we are gonna, I'm sad. I'm going through a tough season. But I'm owning this, and I'm gonna do what I can do to like, live my best self. And that was like the last year and now again, kind of breaking that societal norm, that narrative of you have to love everyone in your family and always let them in and always let them. You're like, No, we're not doing that. We're not doing that. Because that's that's not work. So my question is, as you've gone through this, the seasons, right? How have you become brave enough to talk about them online in a space? Like Instagram and Tiktok? Where everyone likes to have their opinions heard? loudly, clearly. And whether or not they were, they are kind or not? How do you how do you do that? How did you become brave enough to share that journey? out there with what 50,000 followers at this point, the last time I checked, you were like 50k Plus, and I'm like this girl. I love it so much. I just need you to know that.

Lex: 8:34

Thank you. Yeah, I think 100k between Tiktok and Instagram, but a great question. So I think there's two parts to this. First of all, I didn't really think before I did it, because I've always been a natural sharer. So my intention was never to like grow a huge following and use my story to do that. Yeah, I started sharing my story and got really great feedback and saw the power in doing that. So I didn't have time to be afraid because my natural instinct has always been to share. And I think a big part of that. And I mean, I don't my fear is always coming across as like trauma dumping. But if you don't know any part of my story is okay, if I just give like a quick

Maddy: 9:14

oh my gosh, please. Yes.

Lex: 9:16

Okay, essentially hot mess childhood, very much absentee father who was in and out of the picture and a mother who did not have, like the support that she needed in order to be, you know, a competent, always present parent. So lots of addiction and mental health on both sides of my family and then narcissism on the next level. So your grandma on my dad's side and Aunt on my mom's side who I actually lived with in high school, after I moved out of my mom's house freshman year, moved in with my grandma for a year and then I moved in with my aunt and uncle. My mom went to California. Then she came back, my dad moved to California and my grandma moved to California. So like, lots of abandonment, and different kinds of things that I'm learning about. Now in therapy that I necessarily remember, yeah, but I think because of the chaos that I always grew up in, and only child in the home, I have a half brother who I don't know for my dad. But which that's like a whole other story. But yeah has of those situations that I, I always found myself in being alone and not necessarily having a strong community at home, I really sought that out in my friendships. So at school, In sports, it was very much those were my places to connect. And I didn't know how to connect without sharing what I was struggling with, like my all of my childhood friends, parents know exactly what my childhood was, like, they loved on me when, you know, they saw that I wasn't getting the love that I needed at home. And I'm so grateful for that. And I think that primed me to just be a natural sharer because I didn't know what else to do with the things I was experiencing. Yeah, I didn't know what was normal and what was not normal. I'm still learning that in therapy. But because of that, I, I saw the way that I can connect with people when I do share the deep stuff and the hard stuff first, because somebody has to open the door. And I think that's oftentimes the scariest part is Yeah, being the one who takes that step to be emotionally vulnerable, because we're scared. Yeah. And luckily, I'm not really scared, because I've seen the connection that comes from it. So it's almost like chicken or the egg, like I've always shared. So I've known that connection. So nice. But it scared because it wasn't my intention. And so it kind of unfolded naturally, I found more and more power. And through doing that I found confidence to share. Because every message that I've gotten on Instagram that has thanked me for sharing, I screenshot it, yeah, I usually tear up or full on cry and I add it to an album on my phone. So that the next time I get maybe not so kind message or the next time I have to block another family member on social media second account. Then I always have that album to look at. And remember the power. That is I'm not sharing my story for myself. I'm sharing it for the girl that I was who needed someone else to share and didn't have.

Maddy: 12:17

Yeah, I love that so much. And I love what you said that someone needs to be there to open the door. Someone needs to be the person. And sometimes that's the scariest part, right? It's, it's being the person to say, Alright, I guess I'm going first, I guess I guess I'm going for like, it's almost like when you're in high school and your teachers like, Alright, who wants to volunteer to present their thing first. And everyone's like, looking around and you're like, I guess I'll go first. I don't really know. And like, hopefully it works out for the better. So as you've as you've shared this, what are some things that you've seen either internally, personally, or online? And within your business in your community? What what has kind of happened? What are some of the results that you've seen from being more from sharing these these hard topics? Right? Like, there are things that you and you do it so beautifully, in my opinion, I always love watching your stories, because I'm like, I feel so seen by her in so many ways. And so what are some what are some of the results? Again, whether personally, internally or externally, have you seen from being the person who opens the door first?

Lex: 13:27

A lack of shame. Yeah, I think that's that's the biggest thing is, is releasing the shame that comes from folding things in. And again, I speak from the narrative of growing up with adults who were private about everything. didn't share with their closest family members. It was the struggle in silence the struggle and suffer alone. Yeah. And I think because of that, there is so much shame. When I cry, I apologize. I say I'm sorry. I don't mean to be tearing up. I do all my stories all the time. And I had somebody message me and say, Why are you apologizing? Yeah, and I had to reflect and it was because as a kid every time I cried, I was told to brush it off or get over it. Suck it up. And yes, and so there's so much shame that is built up inside of me from feeling sad or feeling, you know, hurt by somebody and not having necessarily the power or permission to speak up for myself because I was ashamed of those feelings. So I think the biggest thing for me has been unlearning the shame that comes from saying, hey, this behavior hurt me. You are not allowed to speak to me this way. And if you do you no longer have a seat at my table. And that's hard. Yeah, but I think the other thing that has come from it is permission. Yeah, I It makes me so sad. But I didn't know that you could just go no contact with a family member. Like I didn't know that you were allowed to do that. I didn't know that my entire life wouldn't end if I Did that Yeah. Especially as somebody who also there was like, financial things at play where my grandma paid for my college, which was so kind of her. Yeah. So and then also being someone who lived with my aunt and uncle in high school, and yeah, I mean, I said this yesterday, my stories, I didn't necessarily always feel like I belonged or that I had a permanent place. So I always felt like I was walking on eggshells had to make sure that I didn't do this random thing to upset my aunt and then get kicked out. Same thing goes with my grandma with her paying for my college again, so generous. And also, I lived in so much fear. Yeah. And, you know, I had to live small because of the way that they treated me. Yeah. In terms of how they spoke to me. Yeah, so I think I gained permission first by seeing one tik tok, I remember it so clearly about somebody who went no contact with a family member. And then the next time I got a nasty, nasty text from my grandma. Yeah, telling me how I was the biggest failure in the entire worlds. Yeah. I never replied. And I have not spoken to her since. And there wasn't a big I mean, to me, that was the fault falling out. And in her mind, I'm sure I'm the jerk. But yeah, in reality, it was that she had treated me that way for so long. Yeah. And I finally had the permission to say, I'm not doing this anymore. Yeah. Not to speak to me this way. So I think the permission and the shame and then the just like support to move forward. Yeah, that you're not alone. Hearing that someone else went through something similar, like, I have the most. I feel like I have the most like insane, you know, childhood life, obviously. Yeah. I just feel that way. Yeah, yeah. And it's so crazy. Every time I share like a very niche. Yeah, very, like, small moments that, you know, I shared in therapy and my therapist one.

Maddy: 16:48

Yeah, yeah. I've done that, too. I've done that to My Katherine's name is Mary and I, I not to interrupt. I was like, Did I ever tell you about that one time that that happened when I was a little kid. And she was like, let's elaborate on that, like, pulled out her pen and paper? And then there?

Lex: 17:06

Yeah, it almost becomes like a contest within myself of like, how many times can I make Katherine's?

Maddy: 17:12

Yes, so many times. Can I win therapy today by making my therapist speechless?

Lex: 17:17

Yes. And it's fun, like, she's great. And, you know, no matter how niche or you know, like, very specific, my situation feels like any piece of it. Yeah, it's like, anytime I share something where I'm like, I don't know if any of you can relate. But like, this is kind of what I went through. Even one message makes me like, ecstatic over the moon. It's all the validation I've ever needed my entire life for this situation. And also, a lot of times, it's a lot more. So a lot more women in my DM saying, I went through this too, or I'm going through this, or I think I'm going to be going through this. Yeah, have any advice? In that it's the permission to continue sharing, and also continue down that path. Yeah, of holding those boundaries and holding space for yourself. And, you know, just really, really digging into why I decided in the first place and how much better my life is when I don't have to worry that every single move I make could be the one that cuts me off from my family. Yeah. Like, I took that power back. And yeah, I chose to step away. And yes, that means I won't be invited to Easter. And also, I have my people, I have my community, I got to spend Easter with my friends. Their mom made me an Easter basket. never even met before. It's like, so sweet. And when you see how easy it is for other people to love you, yes. Suddenly you realize that you don't have to work. You're not supposed to have to work and earn the love from your family member, or anybody in your life. Yeah. And that solidifies for you like, yeah, it's almost like you'll never settle again. Yeah, you just won't tolerate it. And yeah, even with friends, I'm like, I didn't like the way that you spoke to me. And like, I'm not willing to tolerate this in a nicer way. But yes, knowing that that's my boundary that I have to uphold. Because it's not other people's responsibility to hold those boundaries you, but it is your responsibility to communicate and them to respect it and do their best. Yeah. So when you set those boundaries, and they're completely blown off, and you're gaslit and you feel good about the situation, then it's like, I just don't have the energy. Yep. To pour into this relationship. Yeah. Other people have taught me that it's easy to love me. And now I'm learning that it's easy to love me too.

Maddy: 19:37

Yeah. Yeah. I love that. So, hearing this, I'm sure other people listening to this can be like, Wow, this girl's going through so much. And for those of you who haven't seen any of the clips, and are just listening, Lex is talking about this all with this massive smile on her face. This girl literally is always smiling. And so I'm wondering what Do you what have you committed to? Whether it's a habit or a routine? Or maybe it's just sharing and doing things like going to therapy? Since you've mentioned it? What are some things that you have committed to in order to ensure that you're taking care of yourself, and you're making sure that you are infusing things that bring you joy into your day to day or week to week or month to month? What are some of those things look like? Because I'm speaking from personal experience, the 2024 has been a year, a year, underlined, bold, all other things, right. It's life is lifing. And so sometimes, it can be hard not to get bogged down by all of the hardness, all of the heaviness, all of the tough things that we're growing through and going through. And it can we can lose sight on the things that bring us joy. And we can let those things fall to the wayside. And so I'm curious, what are some things that you have committed to in order to ensure you're taking care of yourself in order to make sure that you're re infusing joy back in as you're going and growing through all of these things?

Lex: 21:00

Great question. So first of all, I do want to say I'm not supposed to be smiling while I say all of this, but that is one of the things that I work on in therapy

Maddy: 21:08

is this trauma response as my as my therapist would say, she goes, you know, that's a trauma response. I was like, Mary, I know. Okay, I get it.

Lex: 21:15

Yeah. But yeah. I was like, Well, I always have been the bubbly person. And she was like, have you or did you always need to be? Yeah, I was like, I'm gonna need some time to ruminate on that. Yeah. Thank you so much, Katherine. Okay. Damn. Yes. But with that being said, I think, you know, I have always been an energy creator. And maybe it's because I had to be because you know, all of that stuff. But regardless, I do really thrive in creating that energy. And so I think there are many parts to this, I want to say community, commitments for those hobbies and things that bring you joy, and then a few other things at all. I'm sure I'll get to as I begin, I'm going to start a sentence and not quite know where we're gonna finish it. I'll go ahead. So one thing that I really love I mentioned is sports, like the community that comes from sports. So I have been a part of our, like, local recreational volleyball League. Yeah. College for a long time. I think seven years now. Yeah. Which is insane. So as silly as that sounds, or you know, people love to like poke fun at rec sports, which I think it's hilarious. Like, yes, do I think it's so fun. That without even knowing, because it was just a habit that I created, like, having that scheduled structured time, once a week or now twice a week, but once a week, where I know that I have three hours where first of all, I'm not on my phone. Yeah, yeah. Big, huge, huge, especially work from home entrepreneurs. Yeah. always honest. Yeah. I'm having community connection because I'm with friends or making friends there when I didn't have any there. Yeah, when I was newer in the league, and it's also just fun to me. I love to play. Yeah. And I never was somebody who had that, like, childlike sense of play and wonder. And yeah, makes me sad. I don't think that I live in an environment where that was cultivated or safe. Yep. And so I think now I'm kind of in this like, like, we call it the Inner Inner Child healing. I love to, I love to play. So commitment and then community. So really being intentional about the community that you're creating around you. And if you're like, Well, you know, I live in my hometown and Boo Boo, boo, boo, bah. Yeah, pause right there. Because I live 14 minutes away from where I went to high school. I talk to a handful if that have friends from high school and middle school. Yeah. And aside from that, the community that I've created, I mean, even Maddy like, yeah, incredible people that add so much value to my life, either through content or conversations. Yeah. I had to be intentional about that. It wasn't people didn't just fall into my lap. Yeah, I had to start putting myself out there. And again, you have to open that door. Be specific, who are you looking for in a community? For me? It's women in their 20s it's women who want to buy a house soon. It's women who are you know, working on their self growth and healing and you know, learning and unlearning and all those incredible things. But yeah, so play and have fun. So that community and and making a commitment to the community. You know, I'm very intentional. I reached out to certain friends. Hey, would you like to go do X Y and Z thing with me this week? We'd love to go bowling. It's you know, I'm in Wisconsin. It's literally snowing today. You know, let's go bowling. Let's go. play darts at a bar. Lets like fun things that bring you joy is yeah, I'm, I'm using my community then to create that like sense of fun. Yeah. And then the other part is mindset, obviously which we hear so much about. So I think you probably all know the importance of personal being connected to it. So I'm actually not even going to touch on that, because that is like, that is obviously number one, we're here. Another thing, and I'm going to nerd out a little bit, but stick with me, we hear a lot about nervous system regulation, or at least online on my corner of the internet. Yeah. And it never quite made sense to me until, of course, Catherine sent me a chart. And it's called the polyvagal theory of trauma. And I'm going to try and keep this just very surface level. But if you want to google it happy to if you want to connect with me, I have some resources. Yeah, whatever that looks like. But it's, it shows how we know we have our fight or flight response. We also have a freeze response, which is kind of a newer development in the neuroscience community, then we also have our social engagement response. And that is where we should be living majority of the time. But many of us if we didn't grow up in safe environments, and and when I say safe, it doesn't mean that there was like physical safety. It can be parents having an argument and yelling or slamming doors, things like that, like that your body perceives as a threat as a threat. Yeah, start to feel your heart rate go up even a mean message on social media now, a distant friend unfollowing me like, it's interesting when you start to cue into your body how those responses happen. But once like, for me, I learned that I'm actually just usually in freeze, which means I'm dissociated. I don't remember a lot of things because what my body did to keep me safe as a child, and I'm so grateful for that. And so I can't live like this forever. Yes. So I do want to say I, and I hope this isn't too all over the place, but I got diagnosed with sleep apnea last year, the two years before, this is actually a huge part of my story. The two years before I, I saw a huge shift in my health, you know, I am a health and wellness coach. Yeah, I had lost, I had lost some weight beforehand. I was very, very healthy, maintained that for eight months, and then life life, yeah, a lot of life happened in a really short amount of time. And suddenly, I was waking up every day feeling fatigued, I wasn't open, I didn't have a no curious mindset, I felt very disempowered, I felt hopeless. And those are all things that you'll see on the polyvagal theory of trauma chart, it actually shows when you're in that freeze response, you lose the ability to feel open and connected to people, you actually you are not able to feel curious. Yeah, aesthetic. And because of that, it starts to cut off your community. And so that's I have this like, theory that I'm kind of, you know, very passionate about that. We know that childhood trauma has associations with different health outcomes. Yes. And it is my kind of understanding that how that happens is through nervous system dysregulation. So when I when I finally got diagnosed with sleep apnea, we can kind of look back and understand, okay, when did this start to occur? And that is something that is on that you know, Aced childhood assessment as Yeah, a predicted outcome as someone who, whose therapist wouldn't even administer the tests because she knew my score.

Maddy: 28:12

Yep. Yeah. Been, there

Lex: 28:15

She goes. Um, yeah, we can do it. But like, do you want to I know, I know your Thanks, Katherine. Yeah, yeah. But I think because of that nervous system dysregulation, you go into fight or flight a lot you're going between fight or flight or freeze, which means that you're you lose a lot of essential body functions, your digestion, your sleep. And when you have apnea as at night, we have natural ones. And I'm sorry, this is like very, very, you're

Maddy: 28:43

no, no, no, you're fine. No, keep going someone out there. And I'm even like, Oh, my God. Me. So yeah, keep going.

Lex: 28:50

Okay, perfect. Yeah, so I think when we have our apnea that night, we have natural ones each evening. And that's normal. I think the range is like five to 10 a night where you stop breathing. And then your brain is like, hey, and you know, you go right back into your sleep cycle. So when I started feeling really fatigued, I was in a very stressful my ex had injured his neck very, very bad injury, was waiting for surgery for three weeks. He was in excruciating pain. And suddenly I was a full time business owner. Yeah, so I had just gone full time with my business. Yeah, eight months before he was out of an income and didn't have disability because he's a freelancer. And we had a puppy we Yeah, apartment. And it was a lot of life and the anniversary of my mom's passing. Yeah. And our condo deal was falling apart. We were actually yeah, contract to buy and close on a condo and yeah. Oh, hit the fan. We were actually working together quite a bit. Yes, yeah. And so that season of life for me. I was really and also had undiagnosed ADHD at the time. I'm diagnosed anxiety. And yeah, so we know ADHD is really thrive in that adrenaline rush cycle. And how you do that is, you know, you put things off to the last second, then you have this big boost. Well, that's the fight or flight response, like your body is like, oh, we have to do this right now. Yeah. And I think my body recognize that at night, that was naturally happening a few times at night. But I had become so dependent on thriving off of that. Yep. That then my body was like, Oh, how can we actually make this happen more all the time? Yeah. So every time you have an apnea, you go into fight or flight? Yeah. When I had my sleep study, I had 68. That evening. Yeah, it was every eight minutes. So that means that I was never getting REM sleep. I was never completing a sleep cycle. Which means that you know, your brain isn't organizing memories don't have as strong of a memory. You feel very chaotic, disempowered. All those things. Yeah. And so all of that to be said, that is that freeze response on the theory of trauma. Yeah. And so learning what nervous system regulation actually is, versus just courses that you can buy online, which are incredible. And I'm so thankful for those resources. And also, yes, I'm so passionate about this message. Yeah. And so I do have those all linked in an email if you would like it. Otherwise, I can just say really quick, what my kind of routine is because yeah, this is how I stay in this empowered mindset. Yeah, please. So development, but also staying in social engagement as much as I can. So the way that I've learned to do this, and again, please do your I'm not an expert in this. Yeah, but I'm just sharing what I've learned totally, mostly tik tok and Instagram. Totally. But butterfly tap. So you just sit you cross your arms, you tap one shoulder, you tap the other two times, and doing that one to five minutes a day even or if you can do it a few times a day. So when I sit and I another thing I do is I listen to binaural beats. That was actually one of my first ever therapy homework assignments from purpose was listening to them, because helping the two hemispheres of your brain communicate. Yeah, important. When we experienced trauma, those connections can sever. And so all of a sudden, your left and right hemispheres aren't communicating which your memory gets worse. And your attention span gets. Yeah, all of these things that we're seeing in a lot of people. Yeah, so binaural beats helps the two hemispheres of your brain connect. And so you can search on Spotify bi n, a U R, A L binaural. Beats or Google whatever. And there's one. So for focus for anxiety for different moods. Yes. And it's all based on frequency levels and things like that. And it's so saying, so empowering. Yeah, because it's a really great way to manage my anxiety that I never expected, but it's a tangible thing. Yeah, anxiety attack. At the end of February was the last one I had. And yeah, I hadn't had one in a long time. Yeah. And what I did is I actually walked away from the event I was at I was out of work event. Yeah. I put my headphones in. Yeah. I put binaural beats on. I did my butterfly taps. Yeah. And I also did take my hydroxyzine, which was my like, panic attack medication. Yes. Yeah. But even before that kicked in, like I was feeling world's better. Yeah, I think it's very empowering to have those tools in your toolbox and think, you know, I'm not, I'm not helpless. In this situation, there are tools that I can begin to learn that aren't breathing techniques, which always have stressed me out that aren't okay, doing a silent meditation, which is yes, absolutely terrifying to a lot of us. Yeah. So anyways, the binaural beats doing my butterfly taps while I listened to those personal development, and then sleep. So important. So those are the things that have really helped me stay in this mindset. Yeah, even when life is lifing, because yeah, for if you know, one thing happened, and then another thing happened. And then another thing happened. Yeah, it was, oh, my gosh, I can't believe this is all happening to me. Why is this all happening to me? Yeah. What's next? What's going to pile on? This is how my life goes, this is you're in this disempowered state. And there's Yeah, it's not a mindset thing. It's not just hey, change your mindset. It's like your body is thinking that there are these perceived threats. Yep. Constantly. Yeah. And you don't have any trust that life can be better. Yeah. So I think that helped me get into the right headspace and then leaning into meditation. I do like manifesting. I think it's really empowering. And those types of things that are a little bit more spiritual. Yeah, the spiritual as well is so important. So community spirituality, mindset, but then also your physical body. Yeah. So that was a little bit of a tangent, but I hope that kind of helps. With, like, a way that you can actually implement a routine Yeah, where you don't have to spend. You know, the 400 hours I've spent on Tik Tok trying to figure out who knows Was what they're talking about. And whether or not this thing can actually help me. Yeah, there's no quick fix. But that doesn't mean that you can't feel quick relief. And I think it's important to have that mindset too. And I'm happy to report I actually reversed my sleep apnea. That was my so I no longer am affected by it. And they were really impressed and kind of shocked when I called and asked for a repeat sleep study. Yeah, seven months after I got diagnosed, and I was using a CPAP. And I said, You know what, like, I have done so much work on my nervous system. And I'm really curious to know if, and weight loss helped as well, because I have destructive sleep apnea, but I gained weight because of the sleep apnea. So it was just because I lost weight didn't mean that I was automatically going to reverse it. Yes. And I did float this theory to both of my doctors, my sleep doctor and my Phonologists. And both of them were very, very intrigued. Yeah. And actually shared resources with them, too. So yeah. Yeah, I think those are really important things. Because I don't think it's as easy as just do some personal development and change your mindset when you've especially when you've struggled, yeah, have experienced traumas. And trauma doesn't have to be big capital T trauma, right? It can be the small things that you think about this, you know, are a little bit of a put down, a backhanded compliment from your mom, and all of a sudden, you know, that has become like a trigger of yours. Yes. Yeah. And it doesn't feel like it should even be a thing and invalidate yourself. And it's like, no, no, it's, you're not silly. And it's not invalid. You just didn't learn how to process that. Yeah. And, and learn that it doesn't always have to be that threat.

Maddy: 36:41

Yeah, that's so it's so funny that you say big T trauma, because that's actually a conversation I've had with Mary. And she's like, I She's like, I'm not gonna, like, turn you down using that, because I said that I use that term. Like, I know, for some people like this is a big T trauma. And she's like, I don't like that term. There's no such she's like trauma is trauma is trauma is trauma, whether or not a book written by old, dusty, crusty white men, you know, certify what you went through as trauma is trauma is not true. She's like, and she essentially said what you said, she's like, if it hurt you, or if it put you in fight or flight or if it made you feel afraid, or threatened or anything like that. She's like, that's trauma, that a trauma. And that's and that's, there's there's no net, it's like, there's no generative term that says, This is trauma. And this is not trauma, right, which I think is really important to say, because I grew up with trauma as well. Not the same as what you went through. But so trauma traumatic backgrounds, traumatic childhood

Lex: 37:40

is valid.

Maddy: 37:41

Oh, yes. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. 100%. So I just I love that you said that. So my my second last question for you is, what would you say? Because you've gone through a lot of seasons. So what would your biggest piece of advice be for a girl who's just kind of feeling a little lost? Right? I feel as if I have watched you rediscover the new versions of you over and over and over. And that's not easy to do. I've done the same thing. And that's not easy work. So for someone who is currently feeling like, is this seriously what my life is right now? This can't be one. This is right. This, this can't be yet. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know where I'm heading. What was your biggest piece of advice to that girl be?

Lex: 38:27

First, regulate your nervous system so that you can be open and curious. And then second would be and this is like the main one. But if you're in a spot where you don't feel empowered to be open or connected or curious, first work through that. And then I recommend just ask yourself questions and spend time with yourself. Which is terrifying. Yeah. Oh, yeah. If you're anything like me, like when I moved out and was living alone for the first time last year, oh, my goodness, there was not a second that I did not have a podcast, a TV show. playing in the background from the moment I woke up until I fell asleep with a podcast also on lots of law and order. SVU Yeah. And so because of that, I really wasn't spending time with myself even though I was alone. I wasn't checking in and I didn't know what that looked like and journaling quite honestly is terrifying to me. Yeah, so I think I kind of accidentally eased into it by using Pinterest and yeah, to see like, okay, whose page am I going to to make me smile? Whose life like I started a collection on tik tok. If you save a video you can create a collection same as Instagram and it's titled dream life. And so the the, you know, cute girl who lives in Florida who is waking up and doing a sunrise suck, swim. Yes, you know, posting a picture of her dunking in the ocean. shouldn't like that's in my dream life. Because one day I want to live by the ocean for a season. And I want to experience that joy and fulfillment that the ocean brings me when I'm on vacations, and so just paying attention to what you're drawn to. And then also second, like double check that though too, because are you drawn to it? Because it's what society says you're, you're supposed to be? Yes. Or is it truly what like, kind of gives you a little bit of butterflies and makes you feel a little bit giddy or excited, or?

Maddy: 40:32

I love that.

Lex: 40:33

I'm happy smiley. I don't know just any of those emotions that maybe you don't even know how to feel yet. If you're like me, and just don't feel feelings and you're

Maddy: 40:44

I've also gotten the emotional wheel that says happy. Okay, let's move out excited. Okay. I've gotten that too. Okay. And yes, I have looked at it. I've opened it up on my computer, and I'm like, okay, how am I really feeling right now?

Lex: 41:00

Yes. And I love that you brought that up. It's like Katherine and Mary are in contact or something. They could probably be besties. But it's hilarious. And, and it's funny because we laugh and like, part of me wants to be like, it feels so childish, like you hunkered down. And I'm, like, you know, we have a feelings wheel. And also like, it's okay, that we weren't given those tools as children. And I'm really proud of you for learning them now. Because that's more than we can save for a lot of the previous generations. If yes, your family and 100%

Maddy: 41:32

Oh, 100%.

Lex: 41:33

It's like, hey, like, I'm having to name emotions that my family members are telling me stories, like they're telling me to read what happened. And, and I pause, and I say, Were you feeling this way? Yeah, I don't know. And kind of move on. And then she'll pause and go, yeah. Oh, actually, yeah. And the next time I see her, it's, you know, I thought about that a little bit after you left. And yeah, I'm essentially teaching, you know, other family members who are older than me. Yeah, their feelings. And it's not silly. And it's not Yeah. And it's, it's sad. Yeah, that they didn't have those tools. And also, it's really empowering that we do and we get to share them. Yeah. So I don't even know where we were at before that. But I love that. Oh, just checking in with yourself. So yeah, things on Pinterest on, you know, other things. There's a woman named Kristen and I apologize. Maybe we can add this in the show notes. Yeah, totally off the top of my head. But I saw it tik tok post from her and actually kind of know her from a program I did. And she shared something, it's called to becoming bored. And so instead of it being a vision board, it's a becoming board. And I love that it's designed, for what you want your day to day to look like. So you know, I have a picture saved as someone sitting on the couch with their dog reading a personal development book, like Yeah, I always start my mornings. Now. You know what coffee mug I'm using, like I have, you know, it's like, yeah, and you start to really curate what you want your day to look like. If you focus on what you want your days to look like and what activities make you feel good. You can start to figure out what your passion is and what your purpose is. Yeah. And then you surround yourself with a community. So back to being intentional about your community, and your commitment. So if you always wanted to try yoga, but you feel like you're not a yogi, yeah, go try a yoga class, like, a whole yoga stint last year, because I want to be like the cute girl wearing her cute shoes to the yoga place. And, you know, like, has a very nice yoga mat and all these things. And I loved that season. And like right now, that's not the season I'm in and that's okay. Like I tried it. Yeah, it wasn't necessarily for me for life. And like, I'll probably come back to it. I'm sure I will. But then I wanted to try dance. And so I had some really incredible friends through the yoga community. And then I'm making really cool friends through the dance community. Yeah. And, and that is how you start to build connections that can lead to that purpose and passion. And suddenly, you're not surrounded by people who say your ideas are stupid, or that your dreams are too big and unrealistic. Yeah. You know, it's, it's when you when you're really intentional about who you spend time with. And I want to recognize I know it's not easy to make those decisions. Yeah. And even the fact that you could be considering you're so proud of yourself for that. Yeah. It is a hard decision. And also, I have never once thought about undoing it. Yeah. Because I think about I often reflect on you know, how would I have felt leaving the house if I in this outfit? If I were going to see one of these family members? I would be feeling insecure that I didn't whiten my teeth this week because apparently my teeth are ugly and I need veneers according to this family member. Yeah. You know, I would be feeling insecure about the fit of my shirt because it's too revealing. It's not it never. But you know, all of those things that we were We were told the stories that we were told and given. You know, how long are you going to carry those things that you didn't even decide to pick up in the first place? Yeah, yeah, it was even yours to pick up. But it was given to us. So yeah, I'm really being intentional about the community. And then, like, once you do that, you will feel more empowered to find a direction. I think a lot of times we we freeze until we find what we want. Yeah. But it's never going to be as clear cut as that look at Yeah, to look at myself. Maddie is the queen of taking messy action and using that to help us. Yeah, and that's exactly what I do, too. Yeah. Just sharing the day to day life. Yeah. And hoping that you can pick up pieces that are going to help you along the way. Yeah. And, and I think it's so incredible. When you surround yourself with people who are in that headspace will never look at you and say that dream is too big. Yeah. Because they know that if you can think of it if the opportunity presents itself to you if the idea presents itself to you. It is for you. Huh, it's already worse.

Maddy: 46:03

Yeah. Oh my god. So good. There's so much goodness in this episode. Lex, can you please share with us where people can find you all of the good things. And then any, anything extra that you want us to know, I'll be sure to link everything that she mentioned down in the show notes for you guys. And I'm sure she has a bunch of she's mentioned it multiple times tons of resources over on Instagram as well. But where can people find you all of those good things?

Lex: 46:26

Yes. So you can find me on Tik Tok or Instagram at a b a n AC H 11. If you DM me on Instagram, somatic healing, you'll automatically get the link to grab the email that has all of my resources listed. Otherwise, what I want to leave you with is to pay attention to the stories that you're holding, and where they came from. Because if you can change your story, you can change your life. And a lot of times the stories that are dictating your every single move, yep. Were never yours to begin with. A lot of times, you know, family members give us advice, or they tell us stories to try to keep us safe. Yeah, you know, I have a friend who built this business and they went, you know, bankrupt and X, Y and Z when you're talking about a business venture and and that's fair, and I can have empathy and understanding for why they want to keep us safe. Yeah. And also I can understand that those are their limiting beliefs and their stories. And I have more resources and more potential to change those things. Because of the community and mindset that I've cultivated. So yeah, I think choosing your stories being really intentional about who told you that? Yeah, ask yourself Who told you that? Yeah. When you say, you know, well, I don't have nice teeth. Who told you that? Yeah. Which Catherine humbled me real quick. And then also allowing yourself permission to accept the way that people treated you? And also know, you don't have to force? Forgiveness? Yeah, it's on your own personal definition. You can accept how people treated you without forgiving them. This is my own thing. Like with forgiveness, I, for me, I need an apology and a change of behavior. So how do I forgive somebody that I'm no contact with? Who will never change? Yeah, I can't. But I can accept how they, how they treated me. And then lastly, I can have empathy and understanding for why they are the way that they are. And I can also still acknowledge that the way that they treated me is not okay. And that I deserve better. So the last thing I want to kind of leave you with is that you are so inherently loved, deserving, and worthy of having incredible relationships and incredible passions and incredible fulfillment in your life. And the people that make you think that you're not, are not the people that are going to sit with you at the ceremony or your kids or at the celebration parties. Yep. Because they're never going to be rooting for your success the way that you deserve. So you are lovable, you are so inherently worthy. And I'm so proud of you for being here. Because this is an incredible space that Maddy hosts for you. And to be in this empowered mindset where you're already working on yourself like you're unstoppable already. You just have to recognize it and give yourself permission to go for it.

Maddy: 49:25

I love it. That was so this whole conversation was so healing and so wonderful. Thank you so much for bringing your honesty and just sharing who you are. I appreciate you so so much. If you enjoyed today's podcast episode, be sure to take a screenshot share it on Instagram post button on tick tock tag Lex. I'm not on tick tock but she is so give her a tag all those amazing things. And Lex, thank you so much for being here. I appreciate you so so much.

Lex: 49:48

Thank you, girlfriend. Thank you so much for listening to today's new episode. If you loved it, please send it to a friend share it on Instagram and tag me so I can see and consider leaving the show A rating or a review. Ratings and reviews are kind of like sharing or liking a post on Instagram, and they really help the show grow and reach new women just like yo, be sure to subscribe to the podcast so you never miss a new episode. And until next week, I am sending you all the sunshine, good vibes, and I hope you make it a great day.